Crying, nappies and wakeful nights. Welcome to the world of your second baby. And, no, this isn't your newborn that we are discussing, but your older child.
After being the centre of your universe, suddenly having to share everything, especially your undivided attention with a little intruder, can tip your toddler's world upside down: he now has to wait more often and longer for things he needs or wants; he spends more time alone, there is often a more negative focus on him as you try to teach him what he can and cannot do with the baby and some of his favourite activities have to be postponed or modified because of the baby's needs. Is it any wonder your first born expresses his insecurity through regressive behaviour such as whining, bedwetting or night waking?
While some children are openly resentful of a new sibling right from the start, others behave lovingly towards the new baby but develop other more subtle signs that they are in need of extra reassurance of your love for them. Lisa, mother of four year old Jessica and one year old Charlotte says, "Jessica really loved Charlotte and was very gentle with her but she totally regressed - she had been out of nappies for four months before Charlotte was born, then she started wetting her pants so much that to avoid frustration (mine) and distress (hers) I put her back in nappies for another six months."
It is also common for anxiety around a new sibling to manifest in challenging behaviour some time after the newborn period, often at new developmental stages such as crawling or beginning to walk, when the baby is likely to need more attention or physically intrudes on the older sibling's space. In this case, parents are often bewildered about what is happening and find it difficult to make a connection between their child's behaviour and the baby. Lisa says, "I have been at my wits end wondering what is going on with Jessica lately. She has been very emotional and crying a lot or having very distressing tantrums - the slightest thing upsets her and when there isn't anything wrong she will deliberately fall over and say, "I can't get up, my leg is broken." I have been feeling so frustrated and angry that she is being so demanding - just when Charlotte is now walking and getting into everything so I am stretched to the limit. I realise it is about my needs for order and control, but it feels as though we are feeding off each other as she pushes all my buttons."
Psychologist Betty Chetcuti, director of Being a Mother (http://www.beingamother.com/ ) runs workshops to help women cope with the stresses of being a mother. She explains how communication between mothers and children can be distorted by conflicting needs when there is a new baby. She says, "it is natural for a mother with a new baby to feel more tired and stressed, so the same behaviour from her older child pre-baby will be dealt with differently post-baby. What seems very demanding can actually be a cry for help (literally) from the older child. For instance, if the older child is refusing to go to bed, this could be his way of saying, "I really want some more time with you -you have been sitting around with that baby on your breast all day and I am worried that you don't love me any more." Meanwhile the mother is thinking, I am so exhausted why don't you just go to bed?"
Betty advises parents that in the absence of any other support, some clear thinking is in order. She says, "take some deep breaths and try to relax. An extra ten minutes talking, cuddling or reading to your child without the baby around can reduce his anxiety and he will be able to calm down and go to bed."
Lisa says, "I have been making an extra effort to spend special time with Jessica when Charlotte is asleep, instead of rushing around doing housework. I ask Jessica, ‘now Charlotte's in bed, what shall we do?' At the moment she usually wants to play hairdressers (and does my hair) or we go for a ‘drive' with all her teddies then we have a cuppa together. And it seems to be working - things are becoming much more pleasant."
Helping your child adjust to a new sibling
- Give your older child a small album of photos taken when he was a baby, and chat about them with him. This can be a great time to mention, "when you used to cry......we gave you lots of cuddles (you used to like walking/ mummy singing/riding in the car, or whatever).
- Let your older child help while you feed, change, wash, hold or massage the baby. Encourage his involvement by asking his opinion, "do you think baby would like to wear a hat?' or "Which socks should we put on him?" And give specific tasks - "can you sing a song to your baby while I get his clothes out, please?" It might be more ‘helpful' to give your toddler a doll so that he can feed and dress 'his' baby while you attend to the real one.
- Set up a corner for feeding and crying times, with special things to occupy your older child: snacks and drinks (make up a lunch box in quiet times and keep it in the fridge for when baby feeds or crying times intrude on toddler meal times -life is easier if your older child's blood sugar levels are stable), story books, playing cards, paper dolls, scrap book and crayons, a DVD player and some CDs or pop a few interesting little things like cards or matchbox toys (and perhaps a small snack pack or juice box) into brown paper lunch bags and bring out a surprise bag as a diversion for desperate moments.
- Make an effort to notice and encourage your older child's positive behaviour (and try not to allow negative behaviour to push your buttons). Point out how much the baby likes him, especially if other grownups are present: "look how she smiles for her big brother!"
- When the baby is contented, or perhaps as he (finally) dozes off to sleep, tell the baby (within earshot of the older sibling) that you and your older child are going to do something special together - bake some muffins, paint or draw a picture (drawing a picture of her new family while sitting next to you could help reassure your tot that she is a very special member of your changing family dynamics), play with play-dough, have a swing, but babies are much too little for such a fun activity.
- Enjoy one on one time with your older child by taking her on short outings by herself while your partner cares for the baby, such as a visit to the park or library. And if you do an activity such as music or toddler gym, take a helper (perhaps Grandma) at least sometimes, so that you can focus on your older child.
- Introduce changes (such as moving from a cot to a bed, or starting preschool) either well before the baby arrives or several months later. A new baby and the ensuing family upheaval is enough adjustment at one time, even for parents!
- Regression and resentment are normal reactions to the shift in your attention from your older child to the 'disruptive' newcomer. If your older child voices negative feelings about the baby, show understanding by saying something like, "it sounds like you're mad at the baby, maybe because he has been crying a lot and needing so much of my time." Let the child talk honestly about her feelings and remember, the less lovable your ‘big' child is behaving, the more she will need cuddles and support, but make it clear that it is not acceptable to hurt the baby - ever!
By Pinky Mc Kay. Pinky McKay is an internationally certified lactation consultant, infant massage instructor, mother of five and author of several books including ‘Sleeping Like a Baby'(Penguin). Pinky offers Terrific Toddler workshops for parent groups. For information about Pinky's seminars and classes, visit her website www.pinky-mychild.com .